Since God issued ten commandments, then Satan must have given his potential followers an opposing list. I imagine it goes something like this:

God: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Satan: Don’t worship that arrogant, self-serving tyrant. He’s no fun and is causing you misery, claiming you will get a reward for it later. Other gods, especially the Greek ones, were much more entertaining and accessible. They knew how to start something fun.

God: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. Satan: I will admit that worshiping a golden calf is pretty silly. Better stamp it onto coins instead, and spend it on wine, women, and song. Make your idols from plaster. The best ones have horns, a forked tail, and are painted red!

God: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain. Satan: Don’t use his name at all unless it’s to curse him for his harsh judgment and for what he designates as “sins”. Call me anything you like, just don’t forget to call me! I am here for you, day or night.

God: Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Satan: If you really must, let him have his one day per week. I’m not greedy. I’ll take the other six to revel in “sin”. I prefer to call it “fun”. Six days of fulfilling every desire and one day to rest from it works for me.

God: Honor thy father and thy mother. Satan: Mama may have been a crack addict, and father a pimp before he disappeared. Maybe they were stiff- necked, holier than thou, intolerant of others. God expects you to respect both kinds. I recommend you respect no one unless you think they deserve it. Disrespect is fun!

God: Thou shall not kill. Satan: Where is the fun in that? Killing is in your nature, since man is an animal.Without wars, unchecked disease, or abortion, you’d have severe overpopulation, starvation and hardship, misery that only God could enjoy.

God: Thou shalt not commit adultery. Satan: God is trying to control your animal nature and failing. He thrives on misery. When you desire to share passion with all who are willing, you fall right into his little guilt trap. Use your free will and par-tay!

God: Thou shalt not steal. Satan: They have it, but you need it, so get it any way you can. ‘Nuff said!

God: Thou shalt not bear false evidence against thy neighbor. Satan: I think I’ll allow God that one, as long as it applies just to the people next door. Otherwise, feel free to lie anytime, anywhere. Life is tough and you need all the help you can get! A lot of people deserve to be dissed anyway. Who cares if what you say or tweet is not actually true?

God: Thou shall not covet (thy neighbor’s goods). Satan: Really? How are you going to stop anyone from wanting what someone else has? Oh, God says that because he can have anything he wants. It’s just like him to expect you to be miserable and poor.

As the Devil, I attest the above is my answer to God’s commandments. Mine aren’t absolute, just suggestions. I further certify that my path will allow my followers to have maximum freedom to pursue their basest desires, without the guilt and misery associated with God’s rules!

As to hell – if you buy that fairy tale, I have an iceberg I would like to sell you – just in case you need it someday.

Jerry My Mind Laid Bare

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