Mr. President, during your campaign you spoke many times about “draining the swamp”. I suspect you have fallen prey to the urban legend that Washington was truly built on a swamp. It turns out that it’s not exactly true. Yes, there was a tidal marsh, but it did not quite qualify as a “swamp”.
When I have mentioned the subject to other people, they said “You silly goose! He meant ridding the government of corruption and dishonesty”. Is that so? Well, my apologies for misunderstanding.
One thing I am sure I’ve got right what you’ve said is that you’re looking out for the ordinary working folk, like myself. In that case, I need your help! Every time we have a rain over two inches, one of my two acres turns into a swamp. Wherever the water stands, the grass my sheep graze on will not grow. Now, I have to buy hay to replace the grass in those swampy areas. It’s a financial burden, so I’m requesting your help in draining my personal swamp.
There is more than one way we could go about this. I will rely on your judgment because, by your own statement, you are an extremely smart man. From what you’ve said, I gather that you may be the smartest man in our country? If that’s case, you might come up with an alternate plan better than any I propose.
My first thought would be to have a local company that provides sand, gravel, and dirt deliver topsoil to raise the elevation of my field so that the water sheds around my property. That gives me the advantage of providing better soil than my sticky clay. Of course, we would have to have someone come level it out and put a ring around my young trees to keep from covering the trunks too deeply. I would have to plant new grass and provide my sheep hay until my pasture is back to grazing height.
Another method could include re-contouring my pasture so the ground slopes to a drainage ditch. The ditch would have to make a turn and go to the ditch at my street. It would involve going under several fences and requiring screened culverts. A paddock fence would have to be removed and then replaced. Trees would have to be removed and replaced. As with the other proposed fix, the pasture would have to be replanted.
I do hope you can see your way to do something about my situation soon. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, what with having problems with North Korea, Russia, China, and the rest of the world to solve. Perhaps you could assign Sonny Perdue, your head of the Department of Agriculture to get this done for you? How is he with a mule? I know you are great at assigning other people to get the work done they’re responsible for. If you could just have him contact me in the next day or two, we can get the ball rolling and it would be just one more thing you wouldn’t have to worry about.
Mr. President, I thank you for your time and hope my next letter to you is to congratulate you on a job well done correcting the problem with my pasture.